Selasa, 29 Mei 2018

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Bagaimana?

Sebulan berlalu. Tak ada goresan kata disini. Apa yang daku lakukan sebulan ini? Bagaimana hati ini sebulan terakhir? Hei, kamu yang disana. Bagaimana kabar hatimu? Masihkah dia mengenalku? Masihkah ia mau menjaga rasa? Atau ia sudah berubah? Sungguh banyak yang ingin ku ketahui sebenarnya. Tapi di saat yang bersamaan, aku tak berani. Kadang kita merasa lebih aman dengan ketidakpastian, bukan? Kau dapat selalu menimang "bagaimana jika" dalam sebuah ketidakpastian. Apakah semua ini sudah berakhir? Sulit sekali sebenarnya mengetahui jawabannya. Tidak sulit, aku hanya cukup bertanya padamu, kan? Tapi, justru itulah hal tersulit yang ada. Bertanya, secara langsung maupun tidak. Seperti sesuatu yang hampir mustahil kulakukan. Sampai kapan terus begini? Sampai kita tiba-tiba kabur dimakan jarak dan waktu? Aku tidak mengerti perasaanmu saat ini. Aku tidak tahu kata-kata yang ada di otakmu. Jadi, aku harus bagaimana? 

Jumat, 27 April 2018

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When You Have To Leave The Best Things Behind

We're not always going to be ready for changes life presents us with.  There will be times when we get to stay exactly where we're happy - curled up in the lap of everything we want, everything we have and everything we're comfortable with. There will be times when we are struggling - grasping to figure things out and get to wherever it is we're going next. And perhaps the most challenging time of these times - when something unexpectedly rips what we want from us and forces us to leave it behind. When we have to walk away before we're ready. When we have to leave what we want and what we love in the past.

There's nothing more difficult than walking away from what we love before we're ready to. Even when every fiber of our being understands that we must go, we want to stay. We want to linger. We want to find a loophole or shortcut that allows us to have it all. We forget that there's a future. Some incorrigible part of us so easily forgets that there are good things ahead. Better thing ahead, even. And perhaps that's what we need to understand the most fully when we're facing those times of transition - that all our best moments aren't all behind us.

We have to believe that there are so, so many better things coming than any of the things we have left in the past. You have to have faith in the future, in the unknown, in the tomorrows and somedays that will line up ways you can't possibly imagine from where you're standing now. You have to have faith in yourself - faith that you will get yourself to where you want to go, even if you're not entirely certain where that is yet. Faith that your future self will figure it out. Faith that you are going to fight for yourself as determinately to be fought for, no matter where you're headed next.

You have to remember every dreary day that preceded the some of the best days of your life and realize that that’s where you are right now – in the middle of that rainy day when it seems like everything is going wrong. You weren’t at the end of the story back then and you’re not at the end of the story now. Just because the scene in the rearview mirror looks nicer than the scene on the road ahead doesn’t mean you’ll never reach another beautiful destination. It just means you’re not there yet.

When you’re leaving behind a place or a person or a period of time when you were happy, you have to take yourself back to the start. You have to remember how unexpectedly you found so many of the things that ended up changing your life – how seemingly randomly the cards were stacked right before they unfolded the way they did.

You have to remember that the Universe is infinitely more chaotic than we give it credit for – that there are people you’re going to meet who you couldn’t dream up if you tried. That there are situations you’ll encounter that you never would have pictured yourself experiencing. That there will be days bursting with more happiness and light than you could possibly fathom from where you’re standing now. You have to think of all the times that life has surprised you for the better and know that it can do it again. That it will do it again – as long as you stay open to those changes. As long as you don’t let the endings close you off from the new beginnings that are waiting ahead.

It’s rare and it’s wonderful to ever find a place or a person or a certain situation that makes you want to linger for longer. We are creatures of the past and the future – always mourning what we’ve done or gunning fearlessly towards what comes next. When happiness hits us, we all want to cling to it as tightly and as mercilessly as possible. We want to capture it and hold it between our palms forever – not realizing that we have to let it go for it to mean anything at all. That we have to keep moving onward, facing forward, steering constantly into the fearful and unknown. That all the best moments of our lives are still waiting for us on the other side. When we have to love the things we love behind, we are allowed to mourn them. To miss them. To look back on them dejectedly and sadly. But we must never, ever forget that the best days of our lives are not all behind us. That there are more wonderful things awaiting us in the future than we could ever even fathom. That so many of our happiest days are still ahead. And that we have to keep moving to get there – no matter how tempting that view in that rearview mirror is. The future we want will not arrive without our participation. And in order to get there, we have to blindly and blissfully trust that it’s going to be somewhere indescribably worth going.

This Is Me Letting You Go - Heidi Priebe

Sabtu, 31 Maret 2018

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Sesuatu yang hilang.

Aku kembali lagi, malam ini, disini. Masih dengan hati yang sama. Pada jam yang hampir menuju tengah malam. Disini, sendiri. Berusaha untuk mengobati sedikit luka ini, dengan menulis disini. Sepotong chat kita dulu, lebih kurang dua bulan yang lalu, kubaca. Iya, hanya sepotong. Aku ternyata tidak sanggup membaca semuanya. Sekarang, setelah membacanya, aku baru sadar. Aku merasa seperti ditampar. Memang, akulah penyebab segalanya. Aku sendiri lah yang pada akhirnya menyebabkan hati ini sakit sendiri, setelah mungkin tanpa sengaja menyakitimu. Oh ini ternyata rasanya. Tapi, percayalah. Aku tidak bermaksud begitu, bukan itu mauku. Aku yang hari itu ragu. Aku yang hari itu takut. Aku yang hari itu terlalu pengecut. Aku yang hari itu berusaha untuk menyangkal perasaan ini padamu. Sampai di titik ini. Semua sudah terlambat. Aku yang terlalu menyiakan kesempatan. Kesempatan yang ada di depan mata. Sepotong chat tersebut ternyata mampu, membuat hatiku berteriak. Ia menangis dalam diam. Lama sekali tidak pernah begini. Waktu tidak mungkin kembali. Waktu tidak mungkin berputar kembali. Waktu tidak menunggu siapapun. Ia terus berjalan maju. Mampukah aku berjalan maju dengan melepaskan segala penyesalan ini? Mampukah kita sama-sama berjalan ke depan dan bertemu kembali di suatu titik? Hahaha. Aku lucu ya? Masih saja berharap pada saat ini. Percayalah, terkadang masalah tidak sesimpel yang terlihat. Tapi kita juga terlalu sering membuat masalah menjadi lebih kompleks. Aku masih seperti dulu. Hanya bisa menghargai sesuatu ketika sesuatu itu hilang. Tapi ini berbeda. Aku yang terlalu bodoh. Terlalu berusaha menyangkal perasaan ini. Jadi, bukan. Bukan aku yang tidak menghargai. Aku senang. Terlampau senang. Dengan hadirmu. Tapi, aku pengecut. Terlalu. Maaf, mungkin aku menyakitimu. Apakah itu sakit? Maaf, aku mengecewakanmu. Maaf, aku merusak segalanya. Tapi, aku disini. Akan terus melangkah. Dan berharap kita akan berakhir disebuah persimpangan yang sama. Memulai dari awal. Jika memang kita tidak mampu bersama pada akhirnya. Aku ingin mengucapkan terima kasih. Terima kasih pernah singgah. Selalu ada hal yang mampu dipetik dari ujian kehidupan. Tidak ada yang selalu berakhir bahagia. Tapi, kita mampu menciptakan kembali kebahagiaan itu. Ya, dengan atau tanpa kita. Kita akan baik-baik saja. Aku yang tidak cukup mengenalmu. Kamu yang juga begitu. Atau kita yang masih terlalu muda. Kita yang memang tidak ditakdirkan bersama. Kita yang memang butuh waktu. Kita yang harus berjalan dengan arah berbeda, untuk mencapai cita-cita. Kita yang barangkali akan dipertemukan kembali. Sebagai sebatas teman atau lebih. Kita yang sebenarnya hampir menjadi kita. Kita yang kuhancurkan sebelum menjadi kita. Maaf. Tak ada kata yang mampu kuucapkan. Tapi, kali ini. Aku berharap sekali. Agar mampu berhenti. Berhenti berharap lagi. Berhenti peduli. Berhenti menyesal. Karena, kamu mungkin sudah berhenti. Sudah sejak hari itu. Kamu sudah mulai berjalan kembali. Aku masih berdiri di tempat yang sama. Saat ini, aku akan berusaha. Aku akan berjalan ke depan. Semua akan indah pada saatnya. Harapku.

Kamis, 18 Januari 2018

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HIM. SOMEONE THAT JUST A FRIEND OR MORE?

Who is he? Let me tell you, guys. I have known him since MP2017. The first time I knew him, I didn't expect I can be that crazy in the next time. I mean, just can get into jokes together, really at least think it just a joke and enjoy it, which I mean "gak baperan". We never got into conversation, I mean serious conversation, never got into chatting or something about that. I also don't know much about him. 

But, when I said "Happy New Year 2018" to him, he replied, "Hope our relationship will be more amazing". So, I just reply "Hope we will be crazier again". He replied, "Could we be more than this?" Do you know? I didn't know what should I replied back, so I just texted "We have been crazy, how can be crazier than this again?" And he replied, "Don't pretend you don't know it". At that time, I just really didn't know. I'm afraid I will expect things that will not happen.

And just like that, the conversation went, nothing more. On 2018, January 13rd you asked me to go out with you on 14th February 2018. Heh, If I can ask you, I will ask, "It's a Valentine day! Why do you choose that day?" Of course, I can't ask it, too weird to be asked for. But, It's still almost a month and you already tell me now. Lol. 

I don't know we are just friend or we will be more than a friend. But, let this flow. Something that you must know, although at least if we are not more than a friend, I hope we can still be like this. :)) No need chatting, no need conversation, but won't be awkward when meeting up! To be honest, I'm afraid if after go out, something will change and create a large space between us. I'm just afraid.

Jumat, 05 Januari 2018

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DO YOU KNOW THAT I AM NOT OKAY AT ALL?

Today is Friday, and it's almost midnight. But, here I am. My mind just full of random thought. I haven't done my assignment yet. And know what? I will have a final exam on Monday! I haven't studied yet. Oh God, I'm so so empty. For someone there, you haven't replied my message yet for almost 5 days, but you can saw my story on Instagram. Until now, I still hope that we can go back to the time when everything seems okay. And I'm still finding the answer why everything became wrong, but how can I know the answer if you didn't want to tell me?

Recently, my mind is full of you. Yes. You won't know this, right? I still always ask myself, WHY? WHY? WHY? Oh my God, how will my exam result be? Please, I need. I don't know what I need the most for this time. Self-motivation, how can I achieve it for this time? For someone there, I hope I can spam you when you're not replying, but I just can't. Because I'm too afraid that I will annoy you. I hope you will get away from my mind for this 2 weeks because I have exams, I can't always ruin my mood just because always thinking about our unseen problem.

What I think is, do you get close to anyone right now? Is it the reason you walk away? Or what? I don't know what to say again, and I really don't know what to do again. "We are just strangers with some memories".  Do we fit this quote right now? By the way, I just get addicted to "田馥甄- 小幸運" song, because every time I heard it, It just reminds me of you. I always fall in love with someone at the wrong time. The time is just never right for me. So deep.



Minggu, 31 Desember 2017

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HAPPY NEW YEAR 2018

Hi, everybody! This year, I spend old and new with my lovely assignment. Yes, the assignment is everywhere and I will have the exam next week. I'm wondering about my score.

Even, after more than a week without chatting, you're still the first person that I want to send "Happy New Year" message. But the connection makes the sticker delivery at 00.00, but the message just delivery at 00.02. And you also send me a text "Be the better version of yourself this new year. Fall, learn, carry on, repeat. Happy new year." and it's delivery at 00.00. I don't know you just reply my message or if I don't text you, will you say a happy new year to me? I think too much, right? Sorry for making everything seems more complicated. And just that, I reply with a sticker, and until now, 00.43 a.m. you do not reply again. Maybe yes, we are just supposed to be like this, only like this. To be honest, it ruins my mood, my new year mood.

Happy New Year 2018! I will try to not expect things that can't work out, especially you. Thanks for the memories. If it means to be, it will be. See you when I see you again.

Senin, 25 Desember 2017

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Merry Christmas 2017

Today is Christmas day. This year I just feel empty, actually not really but I just stayed at home. But fortunately, there's someone that accompany me to chatting, just friend and he's so crazy so can make me at least laugh. Thank you! As always, I have nothing to say, but remember my last post? About someone? Now, I just feel I hate him. I just feel I was so stupid. But, okay just forget it. I can learn anything from there like everyone is unique and have a different personality. Today, thanks to XX to already accept my Instagram request and I'm so sorry for blocked you, it was a misunderstanding! Sorry, I can't say sorry directly for you. Although I know you won't read this, right? Hehehe. Once again, Merry Christmas everyone!

Oh, I almost forget, this year, that crazy kid that I told you above becomes my Santa! HAHAHA. He promises will give me a present if I can get IP above 3.5. Okay, let's see the result!